Acceptance. Denial. Acceptance. Help.

In conversation with a bipolar patient.

bipolar-disorder

Every time I experience a low, I wonder if it’s just me being weak. Whether the low is mild or severe, that thought visits me and maybe it’s natural to feel this way and maybe it’s not. I don’t know what ‘natural’ is sometimes.

When I’m on a (hypomanic) high, I don’t remember all the details. I know I get extremely angry and impulsive at times, but it’s the lows that get to me.

Am I just weak?

Am I just not able to deal with things like everyone else can?

Am I just not as strong as everyone else?

So this really does mean I’m bipolar. Does it?

Do I have to linger on my thoughts like this, when others would give them a passing glance?

Am I just being self absorbed?

Is there nothing really to focus on?

So many questions. Doctors far away. New doctors- not very comfortable with them. Don’t know if I can trust them yet.

On noticeboard- signs of lows. Signs of highs. Emergency contact numbers. What to do if symptoms surface.

I feel this person’s presence in the room- this unwanted, sad, heavy minded and heavy hearted person. I don’t know how to help her. I don’t know what to do with her.

Some feelings are creeping back- hands being disassociated from body. Are they hers or mine?

What can I do to make her happy?

What can I do to make her go away?

What can I do to wake up to a world I know, once again?

For now, breathe.

Just breathe.

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