My beef with censorship

I’m in india right now, visiting the old family.

Censorship is ridiculous everywhere obviously, ( remember the ban on certain kinds on porn in the UK, all directed towards women? Shocking, I know).

Things that are censored here don’t even make any sense. Wrote a couple of strongly worded letters to the Censorship board and a few channels, I’m pretty sure they’re going to end up in the kitty litter.

It just seems like they gave a bunch of words to some idiots who bought their first dictionaries on their first day and they got to work. Horribly. A six year old with a copy of Green Eggs and Ham could have done a better job.

Here’s a list of things they censored, which makes me want to reach into their throats and pull out their voice boxes. Ain’t gonna happen, but a girl can dream.

1. Boobs: It’s censored when it means what it means, for lack of a better word I’m gonna put mammary glands here, but it’s also censored when it comes to terms like ‘Booby trap’, or ‘you’re a boob.” Half the sentences can’t be heard or read in the subtitles, so all I hear are a bunch of people stuck in a tunnel with rubbish cell phone coverage.

Oh, and sometimes, they’re replaced with “breasts”. People who can walk and talk at the same time wouldn’t take too much time to figure out they’re synonyms.

2. Nipples: censored when it comes to men and women. Why is that a horrible word? Doesn’t everyone know they exist? And, more importantly, the more they censor that word the more they make gullible ones ( men and women) think they should be ashamed of saying them or acknowledging they exist. It’s like the Pasta fairy- the Pastafarians?Oh no no, the Spaghetti monster. That’s right. Some of em who aren’t quite in their right minds worship this thing.

If that can be around, so can nipples. It’s ridiculous censoring one and taking the other seriously as a religion.

3. 3. Sex/sexy.:The latter isn’t censored as much as the former, go figure, but yeah it’s muted and the subtitles say “pretty” or “beautiful”. This is prime time TV I know, and I don’t know how many 13 year olds watch Friends or The Big Bang Theory, but that is a word they already know ( and I ain’t talking about the kids from South Park). Parents, they know. You think they don’t, but they know. Ask ’em, and they’ll look at the wall behind your head or at their feet, or they won’t deny it. Either way, they know.

4. Butt: Often censored completely ( audio and subtitles) and sometimes replaced with ass.

I’m probably going to write another strongly worded letter before I take off even though I know it’ll be used as recycled paper to print on or actual catnip, but I’m going to do it anyway.

Ah, and they censor alcohol labels. Kids know they’re not orange juice.

Wake up, parents. And tell the censorship board to come back to 2015 from their 1876 desks.

If you’ve got anything to add to the list, give us a shout.

And yes, I actually do have a beef with the censorship board here. Eating cows is taboo, just like saying some words on this list or more that they’re going to come up with by picking some out of a goldfish bowl.

All images courtesy of google.

G

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